I was thinking of a Star Wars quote from Yoda; something like “try or try not, do or do not.” Or maybe it was: “there is no try only do.” Anyway it got me pondering about the connotation of certain words and motivation.

(Self editing note; Apparently neither of these is a quote from Yoda. Because the powers of Google cannot let this stand I’ve made an offering of the correct quote to the internet god’s volcano of quotes: Do. Or do not. There is no try~Yoda in the Empire Strikes Back)

First I should probably explain connotation. It’s the feeling expressed by certain words. For example, we can describe a person with pressed lips and a wrinkled forehead as a “scowl.” The word scowl has a negative connotation. We think of scowls as a mean expression. Now if I described this same expression as “thoughtful” it changes the image a bit. We soften the features of the imaginary person. Thoughtful has a positive connotation, meaning we tend to think of “thoughtful” as a pleasant expression. I’ve completely changed the mood of the person by changing only one word. Yet, if I were to describe the facial features of both words, they would be very similar in the basic explanation.

Poets, writers, and politicians seem to have a grasp on this little mis-mash vortex where English crosses with psychology. So you’ll notice that people will choose words carefully to provoke emotion when telling a certain story—to paint a very specific picture. Riling up emotion isn’t difficult, especially if someone already is predisposed to feeling a certain way about a topic. You can change someone’s mind by not changing the action, but simply the words used to describe the action.

Some words are harder to pinpoint and can be negative or positive depending on the context. One group of people might like the word and take ownership of it. Another group would see the same word as an insult. Some words might change connotation depending on an individual’s cultural, environmental, or socio-economic status.

In counseling we’re trained on how to change someone’s behavior and emotions by using a technique called cognitive-behavioral therapy. And this is where my pondering on Yoda began.

So, consider the word “try.” Does it have a negative or positive connotation for you? I realized it had a more negative leaning with me. Here’s why: I’m from the country and pretty low on the socio-economic ladder with my background. We value what a person does rather than what they say. If I say I’m going to “try” it’s a pretty weak statement. Trying is not doing. Trying is saying I’m afraid of getting a little failure on my favorite shirt. There is only do it or don’t do it in my world. Yet, when I attended college there was an attempt to reframe the word try. “Give it a try!” or “At least you tried!” were supposed to be positive affirmations. And it did change the way I saw the word. It went from being a dirty word to something I’d give a second chance to…try again.

*insert mad giggle*

I noticed that when the word was introduced in my goals or if someone made a “try” suggestion in writing I’d avoid it. It usually wouldn’t get done. “Try to not use adverbs” I’d adverb all over the damn white space like a potty training toddler. Then I’d get frustrated and do the opposite. I’d cut adverbs from my life like a cheating ex-boyfriend. Try made me do silly things.

It was not just the word try that had this power over me, but other words, too. If I set a goal and it was connected to a certain behavior or emotion if it was positive then I’d do it. If it was negative, I wouldn’t.

So knowing that the words I used had a power over my behavior, I described my goals differently. Less of a suggestion and more of a command (also: I list only two simple goals a day. Something I learned in a Margie Lawson class. If I listed a ton of things, I could beat myself up later about not doing enough, so I learned to break things into small components and do them a little at a time. The more success I could introduce into my goals, the more motivated I would become. And it would change the connotation of the word “goal” to mean something I could attain, not an impossible set of posts I had to hit a ball between every time or I’d fail my team).

I noticed that a lot of people who weren’t athletes, or didn’t do well in competitions tended to shy away from making goals (like they floundered when introduced to competition and freaked out if it looked like they’d never win, or would be expected to count on others… or gasp, others count on them!). Is it the word or the action that makes them so distrustful of the behavior? Or just the action/word/behavior pairing they’ve learned over a lifetime that has shaped their emotion on a word?

Now the word controls their behavior. Wow, this is getting creepy.

Anyway, our history with certain words might make a difference on how likely we are to complete an action. And by eliminating ‘try’ it helped me with mine. Plus, I tend to adhere to the cognitive-behavioral framework and pair positive actions with positive thoughts to change my view on a task. Oh, I’ll still be the usual writerly stressed while doing it. “Will people like it? Will it sell?” But at least I’m doing it, and at least I’m not feeding myself negative answers like “It sucks” or “I’m never going to make a living at this” “People are laughing at you.” I could easily change the word “writing” into a negative, disappointing task if I were to pair it with hurtful phrases.

Think about the words you use and take care. They really are powerful.

I love comments! Every comment you make will help a writer break free from negative word/action/ behavior chains that are binding them into lack of motivation.

And why you should be reading them, too.

During what I call the long hiatus when my kids were growing up and I had zero time to read for enjoyment. There were books that I did read. That I felt I had to read.

When my offspring picked up a new book, especially when they were very young I wanted to know it was age appropriate. I tried never to censor my children but to give them guidance, especially when the themes were mature. My oldest was such a fast and advanced reader I could never keep up, but we discussed what she was reading, what it meant, and how it affected her.

She would occasionally read aloud pieces of the more interesting, funny, or twisty parts. We bonded as a family over our shared love of story, books, and reading.

It was during this time, I found out that some of the best books being published were young adult novels. I think the secret is out in some cases the big name cross overs such as Harry Potter, The Maze Runner, Divergent, and the Hunger Games. But there are others like Scott Westerfield’s Uglies series, Kresley Cole’s Arcana books, and Sarah Maas’s Throne of Glass novels that make reading YA adventurous, fun, and compelling.

The protagonists of these stories are usually young people who are just out figuring life. It’s easy to identify with a main character who is struggling to find their place in the world. I think we all long to find something about ourselves that is extraordinary, or to feel motivated to follow a dream, or fight back against oppression, or find true love. All these universal themes are the life’s blood of YA fiction.

Some of the best writing today is in the YA arena. The books tend to be shorter, quicker, more intense reads. So even in my time-crunched life, I find intervals to consume them like cotton candy at a weekend carnival.

Family bonding, excellent writing, story telling about themes we all find compelling and motivating, quick and intense reads, these are just a few reason you should hop on over to Amazon and/or visit your local independent bookstore to widen your readerly horizons.

As beach season treads towards us with flip flops, beach towels, and books, I highly recommend you get out there and take a dip in the YA pool of literary awesome. It may be just what you need to cool off this summer.

Do you read YA? Do you have a favorite series, writer, or book? Or just say ‘hi’! Comment below!

My child is graduating, and she’s my baby.

I sit and remember all the millions of tiny moments that led up to this big change. How every second of my life has been ruled by a public school schedule for the last twenty-three years and from next week on, it won’t be.

In my adult life, I have never not had kids (I know a double negative-but it’s accurate). My first child came along when I was still in college and living at home with my parents. So all those twenty-something years of finding myself never happened. I became an adult, to quote Lorelai Gilmore, “the moment the stick turned pink.”

I don’t regret any of the time I spent on my bundles of joy.

But from the age of 21, I have been fully responsible for at least one other human, to bathe, feed, clothe, shelter and entertain. I’ve being tethered by the morning rituals of preparing breakfast, making sure everyone has lunch, transportation, and of planning vacations around summer, spring, and Christmas breaks.

Within days I will be free.

I have one word for the whole thing: WEIRD.

I recall all those trips to Potter’s Park Zoo, the Hands On Museum, going to the all-night party when Harry Potter books would come out, camping, sleep overs, sickness and a trillion other tiny precious events. It all feels very over and very final.  And that is sad.

I knew it was coming. I have been preparing for some time, getting senior pictures and buying prom dresses, but the reality of her last day of school is a shock to my system.
As when my oldest moved out and I welcomed two new fur babies, I know there will be a period of adjustment. A time to find a new pace to my day. A new comfort zone. A new rhythm.

Taking the time to examine this, I guess overall I wonder how I did it. How did I raise two daughters to adulthood without screwing it up? I know I had a lot of help along the way from friends, family, and even my employers. But I can’t help but feeling a little proud that I made it. It’s like crossing the finish line to a twenty year marathon.

And what do I do with myself now?

I need to find out how I actually want to send my time rather than how I have to spend it. I know it will involve more writing, more working, perhaps even more soul searching. Who am I besides a mom of school-aged children? Do I like to listen to loud music in the morning? Do I want to do a run at 8p.m. without worrying about getting ready for the school day?

I feel like there are a thousand things I can now do and it’s terrifying, but also invigorating. As I look at my now  year old kitties, I recall–not all change is bad.

I look forward to the next few months of adjustment and hope I can explore what it is to just simply be me.

Have you had a huge moment sneak up on you? Big life change that shook your world? Post below.

Please comment even just to say hi!

I sometimes wonder if my life is following the hero’s journey. For those of you unfamiliar see here.  The method is commonly used as a template for plotting fiction.

I look back over my trails and inciting incidents and black moments. I am forced to make a decision to hear the call to adventure and go through the doorway of no return.

I see these patterns again and again.

And now, I feel the cycle repeating.

A bit of background, I left my full time job to write and live on a part time salary. Leaving a well-paying, secure job was a leap into the great beyond, an act of faith, a symbolic burning of the boats.  I thought I could swing it for a year, maybe two.

Seven years later, I hang on. My writing has grown through all the battles of daily survival. I learned new skills. Met allies (hi Tina!!) and found my true path to happiness was living a life as an author.

Ahh,  but in every good story the conflict must escalate or there is no growth and advancement. I feel the squeeze of my employment situation on the verge of changing. I know my status and finances will alter drastically once my last child graduates high school (which is soon). I also know that I’ve depleted my resources.

And one more nugget of info, after seven years out of the job market, I’m not qualified for much of anything, but being a writer. Or perhaps a waitress.

I face having to finally put my writing out there in an indie gambit.

Huge parts of me say no. Scream no. But I understand that I’m a perfectionist, and if I wait until I’m ready I will never put something out.

I have a backlog of stories. Good stories that I love. But I worry.

I feel the Black Moment approaching. The all-is-lost feeling creeps up my spine and I dread venturing into new untested waters. I hesitate to enter the lion’s den of the Amazon and wait for an audience’s judgment. The thought makes my stomach feel like a saltwater taffy machine at a carnival.

But if I want to be the hero of this story I have to face the lions (and tigers and bears, if necessary). Step-by-step, I prepare for my final battle. I search for good editors, cover artist, and pray that I’m not just throwing the last of my money into a swirling vortex of nada.

I sometimes wish my story didn’t have so many conflicts, but struggle is at the heart of any grand adventure. The trials make the hero strong enough to face the lions.

The gate opens, and the crowd cheers.

I put on my armor. I do the work. I step into the den.

What about you?  Is there a dragon or a lion you’ve had to face? The loss of a job? The loss of a relationship?  The fear of starting a new chapter in your life? Comment below! I love comments.